Almost Infamous!!

Crying shame

2010-12-22T22:34:00.000-08:00

With price of Onions skyrocketing, here are a few headlines you missed:

1. Law minister Ram Jethmalani has gone on record that giving pyaaj to officials during Christmas and new year time amounts to bribe.

2. Daughter of industrialist Pyaarelal Pyaajwala was dressed in five Kg of Onions on her marriage. All the people were at the wedding were at awe. However, the festivities were marred by IT sleuths raiding his house.

3. Freshmint mouth freshners have come up with a new flavour with a tagline: "Stinking Rich".

3. Demanding onions in curry to wife amounts to dowry demand.

4. Group of maarvaadis have started the first jewellery shop exclusively for onion shoppers. One sack of onions was seen with armed bodyguard.

5. Now since tomatoes are also getting expensive, most fast food restaurants in city have switched from ketchup to coconut chutney.

I know what you are thinking.. Yes! it is a 'crying' shame that I have nothing to write about.

End notes

2010-09-07T01:03:00.000-07:00

"Arrgh"- Cried out Luke Ponappa as the angels were busy drilling hole on his back. "It'll pain a little, but don't forget to take your antibiotics in time"- Said the Wing specialist. I started reconsidering whether the whole idea of heaven was such a good idea. "Praise the Lord" The booming noise woke me up from the little slumber.

You see I joined this new Church called "Church of Final Awakening". Our leader Reverend David Pushparaj has told us the apocalypse has finally arrived. "The Christ's second coming is not very far and it was on September 1st 2010.The rapture will happen somewhere near bangalore and I know the precise location" He had announced. The reason was the calculation of christ's birthday was off by around 10 years. So it is just about anytime now. So,on the appointed day, I took leave from office (past predictions by Jehovah witnesses and others have proved to be wrong.- not that I doubt our great leader). We went to nandi hills and waited for rapture. It was really getting cold. For past 3 hours, he was talking in Tongues. I'm not really well versed in the angel's language so, I had difficulty understanding him. "things are not much different from syrian orthodox church"- I thought to myself. Atleast, we talk in angel's language and not syrian which is sooo earthly..
Reverent checked his watch. It was 11:45. Well, about time. There was a little hustle in the crowd. Most people were either sleeping or din't even care whether the good lord is arriving in a space ship or busy sleeping at such Ungodly hour. I for most part was trying to convince the woman next to me to make out atleast a lil bit since the world is almost at its end. She was ignoring me for sometime so I decided to catch a little sleep. On my right side, Ronnie Ramaswamy was busy trying to solve the rubik's cube under the torch light. How thoughtful! I thought to myself.

Praise the lord! said the reverend now with a louder pitch. Some of the church members woke up half groggy. I was shivering due to combination of the thought of divine purpose and impending pneumonia( I forgot to bring my only jacket while moving from delhi). He started reading passages out of the holy book. After 2 passages, he asked for his robe to be brought out. Paul Rajkumar went to the van and brought out his robe. "What in the good lord's name is this? " He said pointing towards a large stain mark on the robe. "The wine must have leaked". "WINE must have LEAKED??? WE are at the END of the WORLD as we know it and you want me to welcome our good lord with soiled clothes?" Paul was in tears already imagining burning in the seventh circle of hell. It was 6:00 in the morning and sun started rising up in the east. Reverend declared that because we were not ready for welcoming our lord, we are not fit for the arrival of rapture and it'll take another 10 years for our lord to come back. If it was not for brother Paul's foolish deed which was definitely the work of devil, we would have been flapping around in heaven. Well, it's another 10 years of earthly existence. Damn..

How to take revenge...

2009-08-12T08:13:00.000-07:00

A chick doesn't accept your friend invite on facebook-

Preliminary : You have her first and last name, city, state,right?
Now,
1. Find out where she lives, works etc.

2. Buy a really scary mask (*Kindda like the Jason Vorhees one)

3. Follow her, lurking in the shadow wearing the mask.

4.Go to her work, and ask her out.

5. When you take her out be the best date ever, flowers, open doors etc.

6.Wait for her in the parking lot one night after she leaves work. Wear the mask, this time, wear an over coat, underneath have a machete on your waist. Make sure she sees you wearing the mask, show her the machete nonchalantly. Leave.

7. Call her the next day and pick her up for a date, remember she is not going to know its you stalking her. In the back seat of your car leave the mask exposed. On the way home from dinner ask her to get your CD case from the back seat of your car as you two drive down a dark road. Watch the expression on her face as discovers the mask and she shits her pants.

Phoren Phantashie

2009-04-06T04:38:00.000-07:00

Whenever any of my relatives are coming from abroad, they ask about what they should get. Well, although we get almost everything here in India (a little costlier) the whole idea of getting an item from abroad is exciting in itself and moreover it's free!! so well why not."Foriegn is better" was the mantra that has been imbibed by us since our childhood. When we were kids, every relative who comes from Pershiyah meant lots of Yardley Talc, Nivea cream and Brut perfume. These items were kept in parents room and the only time we get to wear it was on Sunday morning.The trend is still the same. Go to any Syrian Orthodox church, you'll get a whiff of Brut from some elderly person standing behind you with kids in Pershiyah.

Well, this trend changed to gadgets over the years. Since, I have inherited the "Thomas Gadget Gene", I have become the quintessential gadget whore. I have a fetish for gadgets.. Whenever someone ask what I need from abroad I get totally confused on what to ask. So I decided to put up list of things for relatives and friends abroad.
Here are the list of items I need when you come from abroad. Choose any or all of the below.

A nasal Hair Trimmer: I don't think you get it here in India. And even if you do, I wouldn't go ask for it. We see advertisements of how to be a man and ask for condoms but Nasal hair trimmers.. Nopes.. no way.

A vibrating toothbrush: That's like a cool thing. I don't know how it's gonna keep my teeth clean but well I like things which vibrate. And yep! prefered brand is Oral-B because I kindda like to say I love Oral! B. Consider a situation where I go to a lady pharmacist and ask " How much for an Oral! B.. Nyiiicee.

A harmonica: Yes we do get harmonica here but well, I want an electronic harmonica which I never found it in here.. Guitar has kinddda lost it's charm thanks to every Tom, Dick and Harry playing it.. Those chicks in the opposite house didn't seem to give a damn about guitar the last time I played. They complained about loud music to the guards..
Ever wondered, why do people call it "Mouth Organ"?? I kinddda find it funny.. Probably it's just me.. apparently ya. hehe mouth organ.

I'll be adding more to the list as and when I fancy anything new. So keep watchin this space.

The day the dog spoke!

2009-04-03T10:47:00.000-07:00

I was sitting at home doing what I love doing the most when parents are not around- Watchin Vikki Vetta of "Naughty America" fame. Suddenly I heard a hoarse voice..

"Master!" "Master!!" I looked around and saw no one. I shrugged and again got busy with the ongoing show. "Master! Master!!" said the voice again. It was then I realized that it was my 2 year old dog "Spot". "Did u just talk?" I asked. "Yep! it's me. I don't know but suddenly I can talk from this morning". "Whoa! that's great! It's a miracle.. So.. well how's life?". "It's very good. Truly it's a dog's life!! I enjoy it here". "That's nice! well, I need to get back to what I am watching.. so ya chitchat l8rs".. "But I have so much to talk to you master" Spot replied.
I realised that now that the dog can speak, it's better to switch off the laptop lest it decides to tell my parents about it.
"So tell me what do u wanna talk about?" I asked nonchalantly
"Actually I was wondering if you could serve me beef 4 days a week instead of 2, it would be great!"
"Are you kidding me! it's recession time.. Be happy that we atleast serve you beef two days a week!!"

"Well master! I am entitled to it ain't I?? Please think about it."
"Hmmm.. let me see what I can do.. I will think about it" I replied in a little angry tone.
"Also, I don't like rice that much. Could you buy 'Pedigree' in bulk? I kindda like it. Moreover, you'll get a discount on buying in bulk.. "
"Ahha! so now you telling me that you can calculate too!!"
"well, that's basic math isn't it?.. master?"
"Would you like anything else? Perhaps a day off or foriegn trip??" I asked in a very sarcastic tone.
"Naah! what would I do going for a foriegn trip. But ya, if you could give me a day off, I can go out on a date with 'Shadow'."
"who's that now?"
"Master! that's the cute roadasian bitch which chases the car whenever I am inside!! Haven't you noticed? Well, you are too busy talking on phone while driving.."
"Now a dog is gonna teach me traffic rules! I thought to myself but didn't say anything.
Spot continued- "Moreover! it's so hot these days, can I like move into the house??"
"Dude! you are a dog!! Firstly you aren't supposed to talk and now that you can talk, stop making demands!"
"Master it's a democratic country! I am entitled to all the labour laws of the land as anyone else"
"You Son of a Bitch!!"
"Master! c'mon now don't get angry.. I cost you much cheaper than a security guard!! Moreover! these are legit requests master!"
"And yep! one last thing! can I use the toilet instead of going out since I am kindda shy taking dump in front of so many people" - That was the last straw.

The shot echoed through the whole neighbourhood.
THE END

Moral of the story:
1.Dogs aren't supposed to talk.
2. Replace dog with employee and me with the organisation.

Valentine blues

2009-03-04T02:34:00.000-08:00

(Picture courtesy: Google search)

It's been a month and still people ask me what I did for valentine.. Huh! well where were you?? Why was it that you were not near the phone when I called you?

With heavy heart I finally decided to write about Valentine's day: The day for "celebrating love".. A stressful day for everyone. Single guys pretending to have a date, when the reality is that they're gonna be drinking at home with some other dude and bitching about their ex.

"Committed" guys deciding how to take all their girlfriends out without getting caught (Yes, I'm at work thing used to work but not anymore!!!). Pramod Mutalik and his moral brigade busy trying out their latest pink undergarments.
Broke guys breaking-up before valentines to avoid giving gifts and then making up after two days.. Well, provided she din't find someone on Valentines night party
(.. read random stranger dude)

I was determined to not let this valentines go without date. You see, I had this certain lady in mind. But, alas, she was busy (read: uninterested) and gave me alternatives(..talk about audacity). Not a guy to give up so easily, I tried another number.. Well, the phone rang for some time and I got the return call only the next day. Everyone seemed busy. Even the usual "Let's-meet-for-lunch-'Insert expensive restaurant'-lady" was busy out shopping with her friends ("Girls"- She claimed).

So consecutive second valentine's day without a date had me thinking.. Am I like really getting old or something? has the attraction quotient reduced? I thought about the past years and made a chart and although the awesomeness level has increased over the years, the women (romantically involved) has decreased to an alarming rate. I thought about the past relationship and suddenly after the whole five minutes of pondering, I decided it's better not to think about these things. It's better to leave the topic lest I might wanna find out something about myself I shouldn't be knowing at the first place. well, I played "Call Of Duty 4" online for 6 hrs and took out the frustration on the 12-13 yr olds since the older ones are busy dating. .. alas.

Valentines day for me will always be the day to expect expensive gifts from the current BF/GF.. Mostly Hallmark or Archies card along with some "teddy" bear (.. Why are all the stuffed toy bears named teddy??) and yes choco-lay-te(..talk about aphrodisiac). You "prepare" for the date by wearing your favorite clothes and wait for her with the rose you bought paying much more than regular days. Once, she arrives you need to compliment on the strange colours she's wearing on the nails (yes, you are expected to notice that too..).

So after you've spent the hard earned or borrowed money to buy these things, a few days later it's all forgotten. After which it is the usual "what have you done for me" routine. By now you are either too broke after giving the money back to the lenders or you plainly don't give a damn anymore.

Well, after college, the gifts become more and more expensive till once day it becomes a gold ring studded with diamond. Rest is well left unsaid.

Ps: Just like last year I spent the evening with my equally valentine-less friends at Chandni Chowk and complaining about the expensive food.

New York is closer than you think!! :)

2009-01-07T22:30:00.000-08:00

The year that it was.

2009-01-07T04:19:00.000-08:00

First of all, Happy New Year everyone. The most anticipated date of the year other than V-Day (*I love to watch the news about VHP activists beating up people and closing greetings shops and stuff.. Followed by expert analysis by Barkha Dutt and others going about condemning their acts. Year after year). I was gearing up for New year from February 16th 2007 and yes it arrived in time.. This year's new year party was surprisingly very good.. I tripped on enough Mojitos (Courtesy Leila) which made sure I don't remember anything that happened the night before! including proposing a chick at the party who said "yes"... It's a different thing that I can't remember her name and I'm not even sure which one was that... Hope she remembers!! Ahh! who cares! Well, actually I do! ;)

2008 was a good year for me.

It will be remembered for:
1. My first successful Hello World program.
2. My tryst with kick-ass ps3 titles like MGS4, COD 4 and 5, GTA4, Resistance 2 and yes! Prince Of Persia!!
3. Made lotta new friends especially Minkies (Mizo Chinkies) as opposed to Ninkies the year before.
4. Movies: Some good movies but mostly crappy stuff.
Rock On: The movie where a dude is pissed off about his band breaking up years ago..
The Happening: It affected me so much that I wrote a whole blog on it.
Movies that question your sensibility: Singh is Kinng, Hello, Sorry Bhai, Golmaal returns and yes! Karzzzzz(Not sure about the number of Z's in it but epic performance by HR (Not Hrithik Roshan)).
5. Learnt a new word "Recession" which explains the reasons of night-outs at office.
6. "Obama" elected for Prez and "Osama" became more elusive.
7. Music sucking even more than the year before.. Well, most of it!
8. Megadeth and Sepultura touring bangalore!! :)
9. Roadies Obsession at an all time high! It's expected to achieve a cult status with everyone trying to be bitchy like "Bani". And yes! the spin-offs G-Talk (* Rumors are around for a male version of G-Talk too hosted by "Karan Joker") and other dumb serials like Splitsvilla.. MTv no more airs music, just reality shows. MTv needs to play more music like VH1 cuz even though the music with mostly be some hiphop or maroon 5, we get to see some hot nigga babes!! MTV stands for "Morons! Try Vh1". (Well, it sucks too, but well better than MTV.. I hate Yomomma which sucks mostly cuz most of the jokes are not in english.. It's some illegible "street/hood" lingo!)
10. Mumbai attacks.( Human rights activists especially Arundhati Roy and Shabana Azmi, please make sure Ajmal Kasab is provided with all the facilities to ensure he is comfortable whereever he is.)

AM-AWAY your friends and money!

2008-10-18T00:54:00.000-07:00

Couple of days back I got this call from certain Mr. "Rajesh" working with Infosys. He was very cordial on the phone and was talking about some "business opportunity to earn extra income". I cautiously asked him whether it has something to do with MLM (Multi-Level Marketing)?? (ironically.. mlm also is a way to show the bird in sms) "absolutely not!! it's e-commerce"- Came the reply. So I fixed up a meeting on "Sunday". It was in an apartment and as soon as I entered, I was greeted warmly by Rajesh and one other guy called Mukund from Aztec. Those two overly friendly people took me inside and with a pen and paper described the whole process. It didn't take me long to realize that it was freaking "AMWAY" meeting. I was cornered and before I could make an escape, the "meeting" started. Most of the people over there were Software Engineers. The meeting were addressed by plethora of software engineers who were Gold, Platinum (All strange terminology to describe the level of deception they are good at..)
The speakers were very funny and er.. "motivating". One of them said
" Whenever someone says they don't want to join this excellent scheme, I just tell them one sentence: 'Happy working for next 40 years.. because I'm retiring at 30 viz. like 4 years from now"..
This kind of constant bragging continued for next one and half hours with different S/W engineers telling how "AMWAY" has transformed their lives. How the salary that they earn directly goes into saving and they don't even "touch" that money and are still affording this amazing lifestyle..
Finally the trauma ended and I escaped but not without a motivational CD and promise from Rajesh on him getting me down-lines to work on.

What is the best way to lose a friend?? I mean, how to make people repellent to you?
Being a rude guy or being a total "A******"??? Naah! you'll still have friends. No matter how insufferable you are, you'll still find friends who'd be equally insufferable as you.
So it doesn't work.
The answer: Join AMWAY.
You start by calling your close friends home or go to their house and explain the "Business Opportunity".. Convince them into becoming your apprentice by showing them the imaginary riches and money they'll earn though "Royalty".. Organizations like V.H.P a.k.a Vishwa Hatred Parishad and Bajrang Dal should look into this kinda forced conversion than going after the minorities. Before you realize, your friends are suddenly too busy or not picking up calls (* these are the smart ones).
But, do not be disillusioned, there are plenty of dimwits out there too who'd attend the "meetings" (Sorry for the over- abuse of quotations throughout the blog.. I am not able to "resist" it)..
You'll spend your weekends at meetings and conventions(*A convention is held in a big auditorium and consists of speeches from even more "Successful" people termed as "Diamonds", "Silver" etc.).. what a better way to spend your weekend other than getting drunk or spending time with friends and family. You spend more and more money buying motivational tapes and books and get sucked into this system. In some time you become so addicted to the system that you'd not feel any remorse converting people for your own benefit.
Your house is gonna be filled with AMWAY soaps, detergents which costs triple the amount that you'd spent if you'd bought it from the local general store. Anyone coming to your house by mistake will be getting gyan on how good these products are.. And yep "Protein Powders" and "Vitamins" which AMWAY guys will convince you to take as supplement since your body requires it so much. Soon you'll have superhuman strength and you'll be able to uproot trees with a single effort (supposedly).

Once you learn not to underestimate the stupidity of the humanity, you'd become a "diamond" and earn a lot of money without doing anything. Isn't that we all want???

(For further reference: Click here )

Call me Charlie!

2008-09-11T14:34:00.000-07:00

Mobile or mo-beel" is a Leash or locating device which allows people to keep a track on you. Staying out of touch is virtually impossible.. If your phone is on, they'll be able to reach you.. If it is switched off or unreachable, they'll WONDER why they are not able to reach you..
Say You are on a secret date and that's when the real girlfriend calls you up to find out where you are.. If you don't pick up, it's the usual volley of messages and if you do, you gotta be really discreet to ensure she doesn't suspect a thing..
Another irritating feature of mobile is it's morbid ability make me have awkward and boring conversations with people I generally don't even care about.

However, you can't live without it either..

Think about emergencies like a failing date (When suddenly your roommate or relative has a medical emergency-- Usually employed by ladies to make a quick escape) or canceling plans when you realize the blind date is not exactly the Aishwarya Rai you imagined her to be, after seeing her from a distance...

Here are some of the things I hate about Mobiles:

SMS: Why do people send SMS when they can actually call? I've not been able to fathom the reasons till now... Is it the cost? Probably so but I think the main reason is because they want the other person to call up first. So the chain of messaging continues till one of them gives up and calls.. Mostly it's me.
Point: Repeated converstations by sms costs the same as it would if were to call..
What about the time wasted typing a encrypted messages with all kind of shorthand manoevers.. Hy wasup. hw u dng? OR hey wht da scne fr tngt? Its really irritating and time consuming trying to understand it.. People who are too lazy to type should be banned from Texting.

I have several friends (I use this term rather vaguely) who have this habit of messaging, whenever the conversation may include something controversial, or unpleasant . You see, there's this certain chick who owes me a some money say around a 1000 bucks.. No big deal.. Well the point is that she avoids real life contact at all costs... Not picking up calls and coming up with some great excuses every time i call up.. Yes! in messages.. So well, She must spend 10 minutes typing stuff that can be said in say 30 seconds.. Well, what better way to stay more detached and avoid any sort of confrontation whatsoever.. Well, there are many who wouldn't pick calls to avoid saying no.. Duh! a simple NO would be much better than coming up with all those excuses.. I can save time and money by just stop talking to you.
Also worst part of it all: Sarcasm doesn't transition well when messaging.
So people just call me, don't message. It costs me a lot sending you messages back since I have just 100 msgs free and I need to save them to harass my ex-gfs with messages..

Hands Free: Nowadays everyone seem to be talking to themselves. You can't really tell a person on a hands-free from a psycho talking to himself or someone else. So, I prefer staying away from anyone having any kind of gadgets on ears.. hearing aid?? No I don't think so.. It's some evil device u got there..

When SMS is such a problem, think about MMS when it catches up in India.
Scenario:
Husband bored at office thinks of biryani and messages his wife a picture of biryani.
Wife is busy cheating on Husband at home. So she sends him the picture of genitals of her boyfriend to tell him that she's not interested to make anything.. She's busy.
Husband sees the picture and thinks that she wants to get all naughty in the night.. I look pretty bigger than I thought in pictures.. Nice..

Additional services like PTT(I don't know what it is for yet), GPRS or video call are just a wastage since I don't know anyone who uses it. I mean hell, I don't even know anyone who actually use Web cam when they chat.. As far as I know, It's only used by underage girls trying to give a hard-on to their internet boyfriends..

Back to topic again, Camera on cellphone is the only useful feature so far they've come up with. You can take all those candid picture and videos you thought you'd never take. Remember the whole DPS thingy?? Would we get to see such things if it wasn't for the camera on cellphones. Take a video of you cheating on your girlfriend and keep it until after you break up.. Then, send it over to her to show how fast you got over her...
Now that i-phone is out, there's a huge gung-ho over it. What's the point of owning such a phone when all you are gonna do with it is to message! I'm not gonna buy it because I want to make a statement here.. Naah! not really, it's too costly you see!

Fives!!

2008-08-24T12:19:00.000-07:00

5 greatest jobs in the world:

Vijay Mallya's Driver: You get to see hot chicks getting into his limo and since you'll be the driver, you can sortta have a good time watchin.. Probably get lucky when he ain't looking. Money is good too...

Playboy's Pre Shoot Pubic Area Hair Trimmer: No explanation required

HR manager in a good company: You can hire the good looking ladies which in turn will be earn you accolades in a "Hot chick starved" software industry. Again, you might get lucky here too..

Chef at Parliament: This is a real satisfying job since you get to spit and do all those naughty things (Watch American pie) with their food.. Its really gratifying to see those money stealing thieves eating that food.

Hair Stylist for Aamir Khan: Mess up with his hair time and again. Just tell him it looks so amazing on him and he's the first one to have that haircut in the whole world.
Ever seen a ganja with maang?? Check out the latest hairstyle (If you can call it a hairstyle)...
Added advantage: You can watch a lotta 'fans' of his sporting the same look... Mostly in North India (Read Delhi)..

Blowing(up) people is not cool if you are a dude!!!

2008-07-28T04:16:00.000-07:00

Since I'm a person who likes to keep himself updated on all the current events and world affairs, I thought I'd write a blog on 'Indo-U.S Nuclear Deal' or 'Why inflation is going high' and stuff like that. As I began writing, I realized that I actually have no clue on these things at all.. I mean I cannot really understand the relation between Crude oil prices hike and increase in cost price of alcohol at "Manjunatha Bar". For me, It's just a plain nightmare.
So, I decided on writing about something which I feel strong about (even more stronger than alcohol price increase).
Terrorism.
Most of 'us' -Normal people who buy the newspaper and skip all the pages and go directly to the sports section or 'throw away the main paper and just read the 'supplement' to ogle the Bollywood actresses will not know what I'm talking about.
Well, there were series of blasts in Bangalore perpetrated by Terrorists.
It happened primarily because the police is busy harassing poor drunken drivers and party goers instead of finding out terrorists. If there were to be two vehicles with one having some party goers and another one with Mujahideens(* or however, that is spelt) going to plant bomb, the odds are that the party-goers are gonna be stopped and questioned because they are the ones who have money. The terrorists won't have much money (I am led to believe that because the blasts were of low intensity.. Looks like the Pakistani government is having a high level of corruption and is not providing enough money-- Inflation probably).. The inefficiency of the cops were even transferred to the trained dogs.. The sniffer Labrador dogs led the team to the Mallu restaurant at Madiwala. Apparently the dogs were drawn to the 'Naadan' Beef curry smell.
“We enquired those persons who were there at that time and we will find those persons responsible to disturb the peace and tranquility of our city”, said a police official proving that the police are really hard at work to find the terrorists, leaving them with no time to check their statements for grammar.

The Indian terrorists are more sensible than their ar-habic counterparts, cuz they wouldn't do suicide attacks.. They don't believe in the 72 virgins theory thankfully.. I mean it's really impossible to give 72 virgins to each terrorist simply because there aren't enough virgins in the world to give each nutcase 72 of them. It's 2008 dumb asses!! Moreover, think about what would happen after these 72 virgins becomes the terrorist's 72 pregnant wives.. .

Well, all said and done, Instead of making people to pay up just because they don't know Kannada, cops should look for the members(*No dual meanings intended here) of these terrorist-outfits with fancy names like SIMI,HuJI etc... We need to have tougher punishments for the ones who are caught so that it acts as an deterrent for the deranged losers who join these outfits thinking they'll get laid in the afterlife .. In the prison, all they're gonna get will be 72 "Virgin" dudes and that's a real possibility...

TGIF-Totally Gay Is Friday!!!

2008-07-18T05:02:00.000-07:00

Thank god it's Friday - I'm gonna kick the person in the nuts or ass (Depending on the gender) whoever says that to me next. It's an overused clichéd term and I've been hearing throughout the day today. It's not amusing, intelligent or worthwhile..
Friday: 0920 Hrs-
Overheard in the lift:
Dude1: How's work?
Dude2: Hectic
Dude1:TGIF!!
The lift stops on first floor, and some more of the CADES employees hop in.
Dude2: Friday doesn't come fast enough isn't it?
Dude1: Ya man.
(Well,for the record, Friday comes in the interval of 5 days. Well, I was tempted to tell them that it's the amount of time elapsed between your last bath and today... That would have made them understand this time and space theory of relativity more clearly..)
Luckily they got down in the second floor before I could come up with something really rude!!.

I switched on the Computer and logged into the Gmail.. Half the people have set their status messages as : "TGIF", I love fridays... and variations of it.. So, I decided to chat with one lady who forgot to change her status message (Which hasn't changed for past 3 days). Here's the chatscript: (modified slightly :))
Me: Hey wazzup..
Lady: hi
(Blah... blah..)
....Irrelevant ranting..
Me; umm.. ok.. so what plans for weekend?
Lady: nm.. (Drops the T-Word).. Thank gawdd its friday, I'll be shopping and stuff.
Me:ok.
Lady: what are you doing?
Me: trying to control my urge to come down to your place and strangle you.

One of my office mates came in an over-the-top attire today(Yes! we have casual day attire on fridays - its the day at office when people wear free shirts they got from different software companies they worked for. ) .. Well, this dude was wearing a violet T-Shirt. I couldn't help but comment on it.
(You know what he answered)

Dear sir,
I'm sorry I clobbered my officemate with my chair. I really apologize for my actions.
Thanks and regards,
[Murderdoll's Alter ego]

Ps: My disgust for everything TGIF started with "TGIF" --The overpriced restaurant on Airport road..It's a place frequented by people who are just as broke as you are, but just trying to show off to their friends(Mostly of opposite sex) on how cool they are.. And yes, they have all arrived and placed their order during Happy Hours, just like you did!! [I know your secret: Buy one get one free secret. Thank God It's Free???].

Not "HAPPENING"

2008-07-03T03:32:00.000-07:00

I recently watched the movie "THE HAPPENING" which I must admit is one of the worst movie ever made.(Period)
Trust me on this but, movies like "Attack Of Killer Tomatoes" are magnum opus compared to this movie. Here's a brief synopsis for all those who might consider watching the movie on insistence from some friends (like in my case).

The story is about how plants decide to kill human beings because they've had enough.. The shrubs can talk to trees and trees to grass and so on.. They "Communicate" with each other whenever there's a breeze.
The message is passed from one plant to another and they all surprisingly contain a neurotoxin which makes people kill themselves.
The dialogues are lame just like the actors. For example, the newsreader reads the report "From 9 o clock this morning, "THE HAPPENING" is happening"-- How lame can it get. THE HAPPENING happens for a whole of one day till next day morning.
And now the twist-- It was just a warning and so 3 months later, it HAPPENS again and movie ends. By this time you are too sleepy or in a semi coma state to even care what was really "HAPPENING".

Finally, M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN does it again.. Just like the "Lady in Water" which I didn't even bother watching. "Signs" was pretty ok especially because of the ALIEN factor..
The parables in Signs were:
Aliens can be killed with water..
Aliens are also dumb because they decide to invade a planet, 70 percent of which is covered with water..
Coming back to "THE HAPPENING", the parable is:
Do not annoy the plants or they'll force you to commit suicide.
Ahh yes, I forgot about the beginning when there is some stupid discussion about disappearance of honey bees. The last time i checked, Honey bees help in pollination and helps plants to er.. "Reproduce"(trying to be civilized here!).. So why would plants kill them? Unfortunately, there's no explanation given..

Finally, the
Pros: It ends eventually.
Cons: Everything else...

Well, enlightened beings, I'm going out now to pluck some fresh weed to smoke up now...tell my parents I loved them.

Lau Thai Neighbours

2008-06-17T06:17:00.000-07:00

I used to hate my neighbour especially after he broke my window pane because we were playing loud music at 2 AM during one of those regular weekend party that we have. My constant internal churnings to take revenge has finally subsided after I saw his wife yesterday... Well, I am gonna be a good christian boy now on...

Gym-nastium

2008-06-05T05:46:00.000-07:00

June has finally arrived and it's time for June resolution. I am going to workout in gym.
Exercise has always been a dreaded word for me... A quick Doctor checkup revealed that I had Gymnaria (It's an allergic reaction produced the body whenever there is some sort of talks regarding Gym or Workout) . There used to be a time when I used to run up a staircase just for fun, and now I only do it if I see someone wearing a skirt ahead of me.So to get rid of this allergy I joined an upscale gym.It was really a herculean task for couple of days. There weren't really any improvements primarily because most of the time at gym I was too busy looking at the lady folks in there. So, after two months of rigorous exercise of the eye muscles and spending a considerable amount at "Figurine Fitness", I gave up. But this time around the resolution is strong. I am gonna get rid of the ever increasing ponch and build some Arnie muscles.

Oops I did it again!!

2008-06-02T00:22:00.000-07:00

This year's grand oops moments..
I proudly present you the oops moments Jan-June 2008 Collection.

I accidentally congratulated a N.E chick on her country's super-cool gadgets because I thought she was Japanese.

I fell for Kangana Ranaut in spite of a certain physical shortcoming in her..

I finally realized NAGA deosn't stand for New Asian Ground Apes and "Staying Alive" by BeeGees is not Somalia's national anthem.

Made a joke on how Hritik Roshan shouldn't had been given a filmfare for "Koi Mil Gaya" because he wasn't really acting but was being himself. (The lady-in-context was an ardent fan of HR)

Went for a Salsa party which was more boring than watching "Ram Gopal Verma Ki Aag" (which was another oops incident).

I started taking forwarded mails seriously like “don’t walk alone on the streets in Indiranagar at night” to “always wear a space suit when going to the moon.”

I was following "turn the other cheek" principle all these days just to realize later that this saying was interpreted rather erroneously by me to mean that when attacked, one should simply "bend over" and take it..

Kirrkitt

2008-04-28T04:20:00.000-07:00

Finally, I saw my first cricket match in stadium.Well, as expected, in spite of getting the "Gandhi class" ticket which is supposed to be better than the "balcony" tickets I couldn't really make out what was really going on out there in the field especially after the giant screen installed in the stadium stopped working. Probably because I was immensely engrossed in the "dance moves" by the cheerleaders. My money was well spent thanks to the cheerleaders who were dancing on Hindi and even Kannada songs.

The Bangalore cheerleaders were particularly interesting since they were dancing even when the opposite team is hitting sixes and fours. They sorta missed the whole point that they are supposed to be cheering only when Bangalore is scoring.. One can't really blame them since they were blondes and moreover, Bangalore wasn't really scoring any runs.. Couple of guys in our enclosure were constantly showing placards to the cheerleaders which were answered by some smile or an occasional reply. Since booze was on the house (rather stadium) creativity was something which these guys never lacked (just that they had trouble finding the right words).
And i was really thinking to myself, ahh! now that's a perfect world. These girls are what god originally intended women to be.. Attractive and dumb.. Also, personification of promiscuous availability and objectified sexuality .

And, now with all talks of banning the "skimpily clad" cheerleaders, my next venture into a cricket stadium looks bleak.
These cheerleaders are supposed to set up a squad of indigenous cheerleaders for future seasons IPL matches.. So, soon we shall see ladies clad is sarees doing kuchipudi or bharatnatyam.. All thanks to the moral brigade that's against skimpily clad hot ladies..

Among other news, now that EPL and PPL(The Pakistani premier league) are also on cards, we can only imagine where cricket is going to (in a good way).. I am so thrilled at guessing the names of the teams from Pakistan: say Lahore Bombers vs Rawalpindi jihadis. Since they can't have cheerleaders, they are gonna make it more exciting by using live grenade instead of cricket ball...

80 Till I Die!!

2008-04-15T06:23:00.000-07:00

Ahh.. finally the much talked about event of the year arrived on 10th April and concluded two days later on a Saturday. Yep! I'm talking about my birthday (*Not to be confused with the suit which looks amazing when worn by hot chicks..).. It's a great day when you have lot of cool friends (I'm not talking about the imaginary ones that talk to you).. Another day to celebrate the fact that I din't die the past year.
Well, it was great as usual.. Got a kick ass Playstation 3, two T-Shirts, a wallet and a bean bag.. Now, that's Christmas for me.. It arrives a bit late for me every year you see. :)
Well, birthdays mean different to men and women..
For men : Time to go out partying with friends and getting drunk at some pub unlike the other days when local bars are the favorite hangouts.. This can be alternated with going to some club if you have some lady friends nice enough to get you an entry..
If you are single, picking up a chick over there is very important to reinforce the belief that although you are one year older, you can still pick up chicks.. You have aged with much sophistication (Just like alcohol, the more mature the better)..Never mind the receding hairline and the bulging beer belly, who the hell cares aye! :)

For women: The day you wanna hang yourself and everyone comes over to celebrate. You do the same old thing that you've been doing for years now, Lying about age... You are not turning 26, you are turning 21 (again??).. You realize less and less guys are looking in your general direction.. Probably you should buy some cute guy a drink and slip in some stuff in that (the only way as i can see it for you to get laid on your birthday). Now, you remember your ex boyfriend who bought you that stupid Archie's Teddy bear or that Ferrero Rocher or both on your last birthday.. You miss him and ignore the fact that he used to beat you up everyday whenever he got drunk.. Of course, you shouldn't had dumped him.. See, now you're alone on your birthday.. Look at yourself in the mirror and guess what it's time to get some botox done and probably liposuction too (At least it'll make you feel good)..

Well, after blowing up considerable amount of money at Angeethi and the subsequent house party, I feel good.. The party was good.. The crowd was amazing (thanks to my close friends).. And so was the Vodka.. I chose vodka over my beloved whiskey to give the ladies company and I must admit, it was fun.. Vodka as you know is Russian for courage (It helped Russian troops to kill themselves for their country in WW2).. Merrily inebriated and with lowered inhibitions, I admitted my age to a few (Now, that's courage :D)..
I'm not gonna tell you though!!

April 1st Prank

2008-04-15T06:05:00.000-07:00

(Click on image to enlarge it)

The number of people who fell for it was amazing.
One dude from SAP told me how to take care of the eggs.. "Do not shake it or disturb it or else it will be deformed"
Well, at the end of the day, i sent a mail to all about the facts about squirrels with a picture of squirrel.. all downloaded from Wikipedia...

Pursuit Of Happiness (hic)

2008-02-20T23:55:00.001-08:00

(Picture Courtesy: Google search)

Due to recent turn of unfortunate events I made my weekend escapade into a daily affair and suddenly out of no-where got sympathizers and "FRIENDS" telling me the evils of drinking. I listen intently mostly due to the fact that I was too busy holding the bed to prevent the room from turning upside down. Now that the world seem alright and the sky ain't falling, I would like to explain why drinking is better than most boring endevours people indulge in.

Stage 1:(Time: Around 7:30-8 PM) The Purchase: The hardest part. You pull out a wad of cash from your pocket and pay the pan-chewing liquor shop owner and wait for the quarter or half whiskey you ordered. You loathe the drunkards around you who are at the counter not knowing the fact that by the end of the night, you're also gonna end up like them.. well, there's still some time for that.. The night's still young...

Stage 2: (Time: Around 8:00PM) Searching for company: Its a very important part of the whole affair. Doesn't really matter who it is. The most boring person will turn interesting after couple of drinks. Reminds me of the time in Goa when I almost believed that the chick sitting in front of me whom i was talking to, for an hour progressively became beautiful to a point that she looked like Penelope Cruz(The Indian version) Thanks to Deepak, I was saved.
Being a weekday, finding a company is really gonna be a problem, so put your trust in good ol' whiskey and head home.

Stage 3: (Time:Around 8:20-9:00PM) Commencement of the drinking has to start between this time slot to effectively ensure that you are asleep by 1. Also, remember you are a responsible citizen so you need to be in office in the morning in time.

Stage 4(9:15PM): Tipsy: Still capable of most motor functions. Whiskey GPS not yet disabled. Low probability of self inflicted damage. You become a benevolent person with sudden affection towards those twats you call "roomies".

Stage 5(Time: Are you kidding me?): Drunk: This is the stage in between "tipsy" and "messy". Now, all the hidden emotions are come out. You remember the ex-girlfriend who dumped you and feel this sudden urge to call her or call the girl you have crush on. I would like to emphasize of the fact that Mobile phone must be hidden before drinking.
You feel like you are a superhero on a mission to save the world or Al Pacino from Scarface: "say hello to my leeetle friend "Mr. MCDowells" "....

Stage 6(Nirvana ):You are merrily inebriated on alcohol that you to do things you wouldn't normally do. Sometimes you cry, Sometimes you laugh. All depends on the scenario. That's where happy drunk, sad drunk term come from. The worst scenario is Incessant blabbering.. This is the reason why many friends of yours are teetotalers because they are TOO SCARED that after being drunk you might find out how they're dying to make out with your sister.
Stage 7(Eternal bliss or messy): This involves diving head first into the toilet pot and blacking out totally. Then nothing makes sense and you're rolling around on the floor screaming:
" BEARS, AAGGHHH BIG PINK HAIRY TEDDY BEARS!"
It's wise to avoid this stage because once you reach this stage, the next day morning is gonna be incredibly terrible with bad headache and weak feeling and if you went drinking outside, then some ugly drunk fat skank in your bed.

So stick to stage 5 so that you can continue the same cycle next day... Like Homer Simpson say wooohooo! and go to sleep!!!
And finally the long awaited answer to the perfect woman i'm gonna marry: the woman who'd say those six words I wanted to hear all my life. "My dad owns a liquor store."

Of Men And Godmen

2008-02-01T02:22:00.000-08:00

First blog of this year.. well, preoccupied with immense responsibilities there's hardly anytime to work on blogs..

The new year was definitely great for the Mumbai crowd which pulled off "The Great Indian Grope Trick" with two ladies among much fanfare and media coverage. Such incidents are a shame especially due to the fact that like most of the time, I was in a wrong place when this was happening.. What a shame..

So well, this new year was a rather spiritual experience for me. I had unexpected dharsan of Paramahamsa Nithyananda recently which brought back all those hidden ambitions lying deep within me. Years ago, I happened to watch a movie called "Guru" which got me thinking about becoming a guru. Maybe it was Heather Graham that got me interested. However, the idea didn't really take off back then. But this divine darshan brought back those dreams back again. Well, with the way things are going in office, i might just consider this as my alternate career path. Most people don't really know that being a seemingly enlightened being is one of the easiest job in the world.
Here are the some great tricks to all you people who wants to induce mass suicides or want to get some hot gullible blondes (mostly the second one)..

The first step is to read a lot of spiritual books and oh! ya.. self help books too. Write down and do some mix and match. Take a quote from quran and another one from bible, yet another from Scientology -- mix it to make it into your motto.
For example: check out this: "I am not here to prove I am God. I am here to prove YOU are God." Sounds Cool isn't it. or say "Love can cure anything".. Use your imagination and there you go! You have a brand new religion! (New Bottle and old cocktail).
Learning some yoga breathing techniques are also pretty helpful in starting a cult. However, if you are not into learning new stuff or mix and match (after all, you got into this business to avoid doing some real work)... then try philosophy based on real religion and become a preacher and tell people things they already know about.
Propaganda is very important. That's where tele-evangelism comes in. But again, if you lack charisma (which most certainly you do), tele-evangelism is not for you.
Generate some elaborate lies about you and then spread it incessantly. It always work. You can always claim to be coming from a rich family but chose to follow god's path because he personally called you for this. Generate the perception that you are not doing this for the money. You can dish out some really unbelievable stuff and you'd be amazed to find there'll be a lotta takers for that too.

Dress Code: There is a certain dress code in this profession which cannot be ignored.
Suave gurus: These are the 21st century gurus who dress in expensive Armani clothes in order to be more appealing to the current generation.. For example check out this dude with White-suit and white shoes?? The 60's style is now it's revived again by self proclaimed Rev. Benny Hinn. Elvis is gonna roll in his grave..
Drawbacks:To a normal person - Bad sense of style. Proves the fact that Expensive clothes can look crappy too. However, To a "believer" white would symbolises purity and stuff like that. So it works!
Or try out Shabby look guru: This group wears saffron clothes and sport long beards. Accompany this look with some vermilion and stuff and you are a "'boner'afide" chick magnet guru. You can get some hot hippie chicks falling all over you. Just say the magic words "Hare Ram Hare Krishna" and she's all yours.
Drawbacks: there's a lotta competition in this area.
The naked dude: Well, this look is not for everyone. But, investment is minimal. You need to live in some obscure place to practice. It's practiced by beggars who've had lotta of weed when they were younger, and now have gone totally bonkers. Sortta for latecomers in the profession.
Drawbacks: It's a classic "don't try it at home"especially if you have rather undeveloped assets. Secondly, it's not a money making venture. It defeats the whole idea of why anyone would like to become a guru. So stay away from this one .

Skill-set:
Talking in tongues is also very important if you are looking for some christian followers.. . There's nothing much to learn: try rambling random unintelligible words and make it sound like a speech. Get a translator to make it more authentic. Make sure the translator is a man with lotta imagination. Then go ahead and go berserk on talking gibberish. If someone questions you about it, Quote or rather Misquote Book of Acts about "tongue of fire" and tell them that God had told you about this in the dream last night. And you asking the question was foretold and thus prophecy has been fulfilled. That should send them packing.

Minions Or Followers:
Followers are easy to find. They are all around you. You just need to know how to exploit their weaknesses. Best time to catch them is when they are going through some hard time. Try out rich businessmen or stock market guys. They are mostly depressed. Housewives are another priced catch. Now, if you are the evangelist types, go to some pentecostal or charismatic church. Those are the most gullible people in the world. Invite them for your spiritual discussion or discourse. Since they are already so much into "God", channelling that belief to your advantage wouldn't take much time. It always works to exploit these victims who'd believe anything that you'd say. Also, they are pretty comfortable with intense shouting, crying, howling, vigorous jerking, dancing, passing out, emotional outbursts etc. So, it's a cakewalk at your rallies to get other people to do the same thing. You'll be inducing mass hysteria at your "prayer meetings" which in turn would make you more popular.
Word of mouth will spread and soon you'll be having more and more preys smittened by your divine bliss. Now, if the minion is good looking and is from the gender and age you prefer, voila! you got yourself another chick or dude (whichever you prefer) who'd do anything to please the master. In time the quality of "chicks" will go high and soon you'll have Celebrities flocking around you. Likes of Madonna, Katie Holmes etc would be at your feet.

Be an encouraging leader. A person who treats even the biggest loser in the world with respect. Your encouragement is not gonna help him anyway because he's a schmuck but do not ignore the fact that many losers are pretty rich too.

Get a quite place and build a nice "ashram" with lotta trees and stuff around. Come with some clever name for your institute like "Living is an Art-- Foundation" or Spiritual Holistic Healing Centre"Miracle Crusade", "Faith healing" so on. Or if you are grossly unimaginative keep it as " (your name) Ministry".

You can pretend to be an reincarnate of some spiritual leader from past. Just make sure he has good credentials and universal appeal and try to model yourself on that person with little extra stuff from your end. Remember you are the latest reincarnate version 2 so you have more stuff to teach.

Doomsday prophecies are sortta outdated. So refrain from it. If you have to do it then don't give a time framework. Stick with the "soon" excuse. For example: "End is near" or "Soon all the non-believers in me shall perish"
Prefix your name with appropriate title like Rev.(To sound humble) or go berserk with the word Sri. Suffixes should end with swami or paramahansa or baba(if you are into kids)..For example Ponnappa become Sri Sri Sri Ponnapananda Parthasarathy Swami.
So, try out these time tested tricks and keep me posted on how many of you gonna consider this as a good career path. It is time tested, trust me on this.
Finally don't forget to sport long hair. It's very important. All great preachers and gurus have them. Maharishis have had them from ancient times. So it's imperative you get long hair. A very close guru friend of mine explained as to why long hair is very important. " Remember someone pulled off this pretty well 2000 years ago." he said.

Job satisfaction

2007-11-30T22:53:00.000-08:00

Job satisfaction is a term we see almost daily whether it's in media or when someone is justifying why they are working in a sad organization. To me, job satisfaction is a holy grail for which i've been waging my Arthurian quests year after year.My idea of job satisfaction: A job with minimum responsibility and lotta money. Lazy? yep! probably but I'm mal, so don't judge me!..
So what are my career goals: Of course to become a manager. A manager is a person who is too incompetent to do any real work but who now has the authority to screw the subordinates if they don't work properly. All he needs to do is to sit around drinking coffee and the best part: Get paid twice of what a normal employee under him gets.

Back in 2004 when joined AOL i almost thought I've found the perfect transitional job.. Had grand plans of studying side-by-side and getting into some software firm.. Like all my grand plans , this also went down the drain, others being dating Sameera Reddy and hacking Karan Johar to death.. Well, all i can tell you about those foiled ploys were something to do with security guards and painful beatings...

Finally when I did get a software job, its in a company so obscure and cleverly named that i was able to fool most of my peers into believing I'm doing really good. Most people confuse it with another multinational company and I don't really bother correcting them for certain perverted reasons.

Well, finally it's goodbye time and although there ain't any fond memories in this company other than having tea or egg puffs for lunch which would had sounded cute had it not been due to pathetic salary..

Some of the things I learnt over the years of working in corporate companies:

1. Job is the acronym of Just Over Broke.

2. The new definition of job is "the act of volunteering to be abused on a daily basis and backstabbing each other while still keeping a smile on the face."

3. I realized that spending four years in a crappy college to earn a degree was to work more than 12 hours a day and be told that it is not adequate job commitment to make you eligible for a hike.

4. Tamil is the most widely spoken language in Bangalore. If you don't know Tamil, your chances of getting any help diminishes by 80 percent.

5. Manager will invariably come near your cubicle just when you think of opening orkut or gmail.

I did manage to get a job in a company in Jayanagar. It's also sortta obscure medium level company but at least the name is not confusing or disguised. The pay isn't that great either. It's more of a situation in which you jump from direct flame burning your rear to frying pan where u are little bit more comfortable.. But, make no mistake, it's still on fire...At this rate it's definitely gonna take some time before I actually hang around with the movers and "shekhars" of the town.. Till then places like Taika and Fusion lounge are the only refuge..

A recent surveys says that Indians have more job satisfaction than most asians.. This is an misleading survey, because software engineers change jobs faster than their underwear. One can definitely argue that under such job pressure and stuff who has time for such small trivial liberties... The survey also fails to take into account that 90 percent of indians lie in surveys.

My Hipness Quotient:

2007-11-19T00:05:00.000-08:00

These guys get more "action" than most of us!! Even if it is with each other!!

Last month i discovered that my hipness quotient isn't upto the mark. I used to consider myself as the most coolest bloke during my college and AOL days.. But suddenly i find myself in this rather awkward situation when I feel I'm growing old and the impending doom of marriage (just 5 more years or so) hanging like the Damocles sword.. So, I spent a whole weekend pondering on how to make myself more appealing to the current generation".. Those things which used to look cool like wearing metal t-shirts and jeans hanging way below the waistline isn't that cool anymore.. I already had long hair which wasn't really getting the desired effect.. The tangle weed or Medusa's hair description wasn't really the expressions i'd expected to hear... so i had to think of something much more drastic and lo and behold i came up with this superb idea. I'm gonna get a piercing.. Piercing and other forms of "self mutilation" is a fashion statement which creates an impression of being an anarchist, nonconformist and other super cool terms girls fall for...

It's a practice generally frowned upon by pesky relatives and parents who look upon it as a sign that their kid is taking hallucinogenic or should i rather say recreational drugs and other subversive activities.. I decided to do it anyways.. I mean c'mon looking cool is more important than opinions of relatives... Well, it din't get the desired effect as i thought it would.. Everything went wrong from the beginning:
1. It was more painful than I'd expected.
2. Nitin decided to get it done too ... That too on the same spot.. Suddenly piercing wasn't looking all that groovy anymore..
3. I had to get a haircut for interviews and now we have a guy dressed in formals having a pierced eyebrow.. So much for being an antisocial element..
4. The worst of it all : I keep misplacing the studs and have to buy it regularly (each one costs around 75-90 bucks)
5. Parents din't say anything.. When it comes to me, nothing really surprises or shocks them anymore.. I was hoping to demand some extra bucks in exchange for removing the piercing..

So, here I am stuck with a piercing which remains as a testimony of yet another failed attempt at playing god.. Hence, I conclude through this experiment that putting unnatural holes in your body doesn't necessary make you more appealing than you are..

Btw, this weekend I am coloring my hair Violet..

Keralafornication

2007-10-10T04:01:00.000-07:00

( Photographic evidence that you'll find a Mallu anywhere you go!!!! --Picture source :email forward)

Recently one of my friends asked me: "Dude! why don't u write a blog on your native place-- kerala" god's own country devils own people..

I'm not really a proper mallu since visit to kerala was like once in 3 yrs affair when i was in delhi.. After coming to Bangalore and staying with some true blue blooded mallus i discovered my true roots..

Well, for the uninitiated, Kerala is a country comprising of India, Dubai and other certain states in Middle east.

We are not just about boat races, communists or that fat pig called Shakila... Mallus are much more than you think. So here, read this and get enlightened..

We are the people with the highest rate of literacy and are the largest workforce in middle east! We don't mind taking crap from Sheiks because they are paying us for that (err.. pretty handsomely..) But, when we are back in kerala, we are ready to go on a strike, the first chance we get..

Couple of weeks back a north eastern girl in a (i'll-talk-very-fast-and-eat-half-of-my-words accent) asked me: u know whaat, I think Mallu guys are very dominating.. And also you guys have wierd testicles.. I was like, whaaat?? Later, I realized she was saying festivals...
Well, I told her that domestic violence is seen as a disciplinary action in kerala.. (The ladies in Kerala are tamable unlike the panjabi ones but requires constant beatings to remind them who's the boss ;)) That explains togetherness and long lasting relations in kerala.. She seemed alarmed to my surprise.. And isn't talking that much to me these days.. Hmmm.. I wonder why???
Later on, i reminded that naga chick .. well rather subtly that we don't eat dogs and other creatures for dinner... My ancestors were drawing pictures of nude ladies (Raja Ravi Verma) or writing poetry when you guys were headhunting and trying to light fire by rubbing stones..

Mallus are also known to be exceptionally hairy.. Now, we can't really help it can we?? And our definition of a macho male is a guy with MohanLal Mush and Hairy chest like Mammooty.. I realized it pretty late that this theory holds good only in Kerala. Once you are out of Kerala, hairy chest is a Hara-Kiri situation..

Another way of recognizing a mallu is the sweet smell of coconut oil.. It's another way of warding off undesirable north Indians who can't stand the smell of it ( works in the same way as metal music works on hippies or odomos on mosquitoes)..

And my special advice to all non- mallu ppl : stop making fun of mallu english.. It's highly sophisticated secret language developed by mallus to communicate among ourselves.. Being a highly assimilative culture, we gave a regional twist to the Queen's english and perfected it.. We keep making fun of you in english and you can't even figure it out.. And thats the fun part!! ;)

PDA

2007-09-27T22:59:00.000-07:00

Recently I went to Brigade Road and happen to glance upon this rather scary PDA by Shakira.. Also known as Public Display Of Affection, is a rapidly spreading disease among new couples, frisky teenagers and occasionally the "young at heart" (totally gross)...
Shakira is not untouched either.
Well, Shakira is a pretty persuasive lady I must say!

Music

2007-09-27T04:26:00.000-07:00

(Life of a metal head)

Music is basically sounds that you enjoy, unlike the repelling farting or burping your roomies make due to overeating their daily half kabab from hypercity..
Music must have started way back in cavemen time when one caveman started hooting wildly one day and started hitting another one with a dinosaur bone and like the sound of it.. I came to this conclusion after listening to a wide range of music over the years..
Music is a passion for some.. A favorite pass-time for other..
For some, music is trippy.. Almost everything seems to be trippy.. Hey dooood check this new song out raa.. Super trippy song raa.. This statement is uttered almost everyday by one of my roomie .. For him, everything is trippy.. music, Weather.. you name it..

For some, it's basically a way to attract the opposite sex by either playing some random notes on some musical instrument which doesn't resemble anything to what he's trying to play---------------might sound similar to a popular song on the guitar..
Yet there are others who always find a way to display their pompous lexicon of musical knowledge.. Use of words like "post-rock", "minimalism" and "Neo-soul" is just to show off how vast is your knowledge and to show how deep your understanding of music is...

Then there are others who try to bash the popular artists as sell-outs not realizing the fact that 99 percent of musicians are into this industry to make money and not for charity. So, if they are underground band, then that means that no record label is ready to sign them because they SUCK and you are one of the few who actually listen to such a band.
So, Let us look into some popular kinds of music.

Metal: It is the music which ranges from fast blast beats, shredding and other super-cool things you can do with the guitars, catchy to insane bass lines and kick-ass lyrics.. It has many sub-genres like thrash, death and so on.. Supposedly contains subliminal messages and brainwashes people which explains certain antisocial tendencies in two of my roomies.. One of my acquaintance (a Pentacostal christian) told me that this music is inspired by satan and listening to it will send me straight to hell.. Well, possibly! but, my question is,why would satan choose the least heard music in the world to bring people to the dark side? I have absolutely no clue..

Hip Hop: The most popular form of music and played endlessly on TV and clubs.. And guess what, every one knows about it.. Ask any mallu from the most remotest village in Kerala about hip-hop and he'll tell you how cool 'fiddy' cents and shaaagy are!
It's called hip hop because the hips begins to hop uncontrollably when you listen to it.. Well supposedly!!
Most of the lyrics are about drugs, women, whores, pimps, gangstas, or all of the above. Well, some of them are pretty good to listen to couple of times.. especially in clubs.. You can't possibly listen to cannibal corpse in a discotheque.. Hip-hop and R&B are famous largely because of the hot ladies in it... A man's hypothalamus is more strongly activated by the visual stimuli of a long legged latino 'singer' lip-syncing and dancing in skimpiest clothes than a metal band head-banging on the stage and actually playing something...

Rap: Rap is actually spelled as 'C'rap.. The C is silent in it.. So over the years of rap'e'-ing the music, and going with the trend, 'c'rap became rap in modern parlance.. It's basically a tune which is repeated over and over again and someone talks over it in a monotone.. I don't know whether it even should be classified as music.. The best part is, anyone can do it provided you can really shoot out 500 words per minute.. Talk about ghetto, pimping and stuff. And the best part of it all: you don't need any talent..

Classical: Well, I really have no idea about classical music except that it is enjoyed by the rich and classy..People who have finer taste of music.. I have no clue what i am supposed to be doing when someone is playing classical music.. Hell,i don't even know how to play a air-piano and whether it would be appropriate to do so in a classical concert..

Country music: It's a music which is largely about "cowboys" and "outlaws". Almost 99 percent songs have cliche'd lyrics with themes like "Wife leaving husband" or "Getting Drunk" or "Why he or she is alone".. All of them sounds similar and if you've heard a couple of them, well! then you've heard them all...

Trance: Trance = Hippie. The hippie music which you can enjoy it if you are damn high after heavy illegal substance abuse or when you are among the potheads in Anjuna, goa. Word of caution: Trance can give you sexually transmitted diseases too which you'd have no idea how you got it...

I personally enjoy 'almost' all kindda music... Anything from Hip-hop (Selected few) to Death metal depending on the company.. In Rome, "do" the romans they say!
So when if a hot chick is with me who likes hip-hop and hates metal, guess what! i hate metal too.. Hypocrisy??? yes maybe, but why to risk getting into an argument with a hottie when you can have sweet romantic conversations with her!

My book!

2007-09-26T04:05:00.000-07:00

Finally, my much-awaited book is published. Patrons! please go ahead and get a copy for yourself. ;)
Here are some of the reviews I got:
I am a damn hot 20 something woman from N-E, I found this book very interesting and I am seriously considering making out with the first guy I see reading it.
--Lalrihemhemzaiawnkhawpuithari Khawlhring

Before I read this book, I was a sad, depressed, underpaid, overworked individual. I still am the same but I feel better now to find that there are others like me who reside in the N-E india.
-- Subramanium Iyengar

My next movie is gonna be based on it.
-- Steven Spielberg

Finally a book which makes you question your religious beliefs and your very existence on earth.
-- Book Reviewers

Ahh! now I understood why I was rejected by her. I am hare brained and have looks of a baboon.. Thank you for such an eye-opener book.
-- Manjunath

Stereotyping Indians...

2007-09-21T01:09:00.000-07:00

Orissa is intentionally left blank because there's nothin worth-while mentioning there! ;)

Spot the Difference!

2007-09-13T04:40:00.002-07:00

(One of us accepting the Filmfare award on others behalf).

Spot the difference:
Lately people have been mixing me up with John Abraham.. That explains why I was having some peculiarly weird dreams about Bipasha Basu all these days..

We have this uncanny resemblance according to you.

He was born on 17th December i was born on April 10th. Strange??
He is a vegetarian, I am forced to eat vegetarian food due to lack of funds. Weird?
He's from Kerala, I am from Kerala... eerie....
He turned down the role of Rohan in Nazar. I didn't act in the movie Nazar either. Coincidence???

So ya.. Ladies listen up! In the above 2 picture spot which is me and which is John.. The winner will get to go for a date with John and the rest will get to go with me.. Anyways it wouldn't make much difference.. Would it?

Is porn really better than women??

2007-09-12T00:49:00.001-07:00

Most single guys and sometimes So-called-committed guys find solace in a world-wide-male-exclusive phenomenon called porn-watching... It is sometimes a group activity which involves a group of guys riveted onto the television and making lewd comments on the female anatomy or solitary endevour which involves locking the door and keeping your roommate outside while playing loud heavy metal music to fool everyone.. It isn't working dude.. We know your dirty lil secret.. (oops! did I say dirty??)

So well, let us examine the reasons for the male species to involve in such an interesting hobby..ie. the various advantages of the virtual world over the real thang (excuse my French, too much hip hop music these days :))

1. You can change the cd or DVD (even better) as an when you like, unlike a girlfriend with whom you might get stuck for life..

2. No need to get bored with the same thang everyday (popularly known as "same old cow" syndrome)..

3. Windows Media player has the forward button feature.. So you can skip all the courting part and get directly to where the real action is..

4. There is no expenditure on Coffee or Dinner.. Very economical.. One magic word: Download!

5. Doesn't feign headache and other excuses.. It's ready when you are..

Disadvantages:
1. Hmmm.. let's see.. er.. higher internet bill? well, works out much cheaper.. trust me!
2. Bad for eyes? Well, guess i can live with that..

Question of the day: Does watchin a different porn star other than your regular favorite say Jenna Jameson or Stacy Valentine amount to promiscuity?

Orkut part II

2007-09-03T05:12:00.000-07:00

By now, most people who know me are aware of my extensive use of Orkut to keep in touch with friends and show off my superiority to imbeciles surrounding me and human race in general. I also must admit that once in couple of months I go on this rampage of sending scraps to complete strangers.. The last time it happened was couple of days back.
Since, I am a real busy man (with all saving the world and other responsibilities), I mostly prefer sending a short message like "gReEtIngS" instead of long sentences.. It's basically a time saving method, since i can scrap more "random strangers" ( not so random either) in that limited time frame.
However, I lately I've realized that apparently I am not the only one who does this. I target a definite race of people usually categorized as slit eyed midgets.. And i happened to realize that I am not the only one with this kind of perversion.. Well,I'm not really perverted cos i'm years away from the legal age for becomin a pervert (35)..
I found that many guys use the same search parameters in orkut and i end up landing on the same page as them. But i have at advantage over most 'em.. "SOPHISTICATION"...

Types of people in orkut:
1. The Losers: Characterised by scrap saying: " I want to have friendship with you" -- The classic one.. Well, you might as well say: "I want to have "sex" with you" cuz isn't that what the real intention is? Bcuz if you really knew english, you'd had got laid by now..They don't get any response unless the girls are equally bad at english or from some obscure town in Jharkhand..
2. The straight forward ones: " Hi, [blah][blah].. Here's my number sweety. [number].. May get response if he is really good looking.
3. The lazy ones: No message nothing. Just add..
4. Fastest of them all: Make a porno profile and scrap ladies. Needless to say, they don't get any response either.
5. Sophisticated ones: :)

People I met on Orkut:

High points:
Well, i have met lotta ladies through Orkut, but these meetings were not without it's downsides.
Here are some of them I met:
(Full names are not revealed because of possible lawsuits.. And thats the last thing i'd want in these troubling times.. So to be as vague as possible, I've just put the initials)

J M: One of the hottest chicks I've ever met. No. 1 stunner.. We decided to meet up and although nothin really worked out between us because she was well.. too good for me (lookwise).. We met up in Garuda mall and that was the last time we ever met.
However, the high point of that meeting was that i ran into couple of people from my old company and college.. I could see the hint of "WTF, where did he get a ferari from.." expression on their faces.. Sweet!!

S A: It was a blind date. Good looking.. Everything went well until I realized she was just 16.. Made a timely escape from the restaurant.. Long story cut short- We still keep in touch cos she's gonna turn 18 someday.

T S: The only panjabi girl I ever went out.. And that was enough!!! Two words: Stay away (from 'em).

L : Met once.. I couldn't see her face properly.. Cuz it was hidden under tons of makeup. Gawdy makeup.. All I can say is- I was just hoping no one sees me with her. Never called her again.

The rest of 'em i'm still friends with, so I refrain from writing anything about 'em..

Low points:
Recently, I discovered certain things that i'd had never known, had I not joined orkut.
Mr. X --The class bully.: I got this friend's request from a certain individual from my 10th class who also send me a scrap saying: Remember me? How can I forget him.. The man responsible for my deeply scarred childhood.. used to beat me up almost everyday in class.. So all excited muttering "finally revenge is mine" or something about "savoring downfall" I checked his profile and went directly to his Profession.. To my great disappointment He is in US. A software engg. Wow! that's great news isn't it?
I was expecting him to be some mechanic or something in a service station because the blows from his fist sure felt like hammer... And here he was working with routers and stuff..

Miss Y --The class slut:
I was very keen on finding out what happened to Miss Y from the time I joined ORKUT. So finally I found her profile too..
She's married and has a baby now.. Whoa, and I was thinking to myself all this while that she might have been dead by now with some horrible STD or something.. Disappointment again!!

Rakhi

2007-09-01T00:44:00.001-07:00

(Rakhi Sawant complaining to reporters on where Mikka kissed or rather bit her.. What did she expect? He's a Surd..)

Well, this blog is not about Rakhi Sawant b'cuz I hate her.. This picture was placed in order to get people interested in reading this blog.
Sleaze has attracted MAN -"kind" from the beginning of time.. So I thought to myself, a picture of a lady who dances around in skimpy clothes and kisses awfully repulsive guys for publicity is definitely going to attract attention.. This blog is about the real "Rakhi", every guy's nightmare..

So, well Rakhi is over and i 'almost' escaped unscathed.
There was a time when i was in Delhi and as tough as it is to imagine but once i was an ugly duckling myself before transforming into this super cool dude that i am now. There was a time when the girls used to speak to me only to get notes or on the grand occasion of Rakhi.

But that was years and years ago.. We used to feel proud on the number of rakhis we got... The more number of rakhis a guy got determined how popular he's with girls!! There was this dude who used to look like a Christmas tree on rakshabandhan..

Later on, maybe by class 9th or so, it was the sign of being a wimp. It wasn't an uncommon sight to see girls running behind guys to tie rakhi.. And while you were laughin at them, some hot chick whom you were eyeing the whole year comes behind you and ties a rakhi..

Fast forward to present... There's this NE chick who asked me if she can tie me a rakhi.. I was like oh! ya sure go ahead.. I surf the net and make online friends to get rakhis.. And since when did NE chicks (I am using NE instead of the common term "Chinky" to be more politically correct and also avoid possible fallouts) started celebrating Rakhi? Beats me!
But, well, I did get the rakhi tied neverthless.. :)

It's aptly named Rakshabandhan because girls use it as a safety tool against possible bandhan.. You'll find this sortta thing only in India.. One Rakhi which attracts "most men" (read illiterate jats and north indians) with her oomphs and another which makes guys running for cover.

Musing: Maybe Rakhi Sawant should consider sending a Rakhi to Mikka.. That'd create another controversy and she can again be in news.. But, this time there's gonna be Shiv sena instead of media behind her.

My Personal Stalker

2007-08-29T02:33:00.000-07:00

From couple of days I was being chased by this mysterious woman whom I just knew by the first name Asha. She kept calling me almost everyday. Wants to know how i am, what's my salary package and all. From the voice she sounded like a hot chick.. But, I am not very sure of that since i have stopped falling for sweet voices anymore. Last time i fell for a sweet voice ended up in a disasterous Blind date (I still wake up in the middle of the night screaming).
So, as i was saying, finally I thought I had my personal stalker now. That too a
girl.. That's like super cool thingy ever happened to me...
Until that fateful day, the last time I spoke to her..
The conversation went something like this:
Asha(If that was her real name):So sir..
Me: Call me Thomas. [just trying to get all impersonal..]
Asha:When can I send the representative to your house?
Me: You're comin too? [Sounding All excited]
Asha: No sir, We have representatives to do that.
Me: Oh! well,is it a girl??[Maybe Consolation prize]
Asha: I'm sorry sir, it'll be a guy..
ME: Ok! well, after I take the policy, will you still call me??
Asha: Why would I call you after that?
Me: Because you are a girl and I'm a guy maybe.. I'm pretty smart and witty inspite of limitation of the facial features or absence of model like attributes.. I'm from a good family, my six pack ponch is a testimony of my well fed childhood.
Asha: Still, I don't think so I would call you..
ME: Oh! so basically your job is to just lure people into taking up this kotak mahindra insurance thingy and then not ever meet them in person or call them again???
Asha: Sir, it's a very good policy. You have to just pay 1500 bucks per month for 3 years...
Me: [All flared up now] Well, you know what, my salary is not 20,000 bucks a month, it's just [sensored].. I can't really afford it.. And also.. Hello?? Hello?
That was the last time I ever spoke to her.
I get it now, these ladies never ever meet anyone. I guess it's part of their job to get some guys to sign up for the insurance with sweet voices. Who has time to think about insurance when you have more chances of dying of starvation because of megre salary..
[Another Blog issued in Public Interest]
So guys, don't fall into this scam ever. Sometimes I feel like a tele-evangelist (minus the molesting kids part ofcourse) tryin to enlighten and educate people...

TV shows

2007-08-01T06:14:00.000-07:00

(Picture source: email forward)

My favourite TV shows:
I do watch TV shows, contrary to popular belief.. and i like couple of them..

Shows in focus--

Pimp my ride: I like the way xhibit pimps up everyone's crappy cars and fits them with the latest useless gizmos.. I saw this one episode in which the protagonist is a mechanic.. and they came up with this clever idea to make him happy..they put a TV under the car just so that guy can watch TV while he's workin on his car..
The implications: he's gonna have a lotta problems with his car because even though the car is "P.I.M.P.E.D U.P", the engine is basically the same.. So much for pimping the ride..

LOST: Nice show.. I was a Lostaholic for sometime.. but the freakin show doesn't seem to get over at all....The ending better be about aliens and monsters..

Indian Idol:Two hrs of life i wont see again.. so i demand ur respect or pity at the very least... It started like this..
Couple of days ago, I called up one of my friends and she was too busy watchin indian idol.. I call another, she's watchin it too.. When indian idol is on, no one wants to talk to u.. So i thought i'd check it out too.. Had to find out what's it that's keepin these chicks riveted to the TV.. preferring INDIAN IDOL over ME!!!

Here are some of the aspects I found rather disturbing..
Judges: Anu malik(Role of Simon from American Idol): Who the hell chose him to be a judge! King of Plagiarism and casting couch(thats a good thing).. His fights with Alisha is oh so amusing...
Alisha Chinai: The only thing remotely good looking in the whole show...
Javed and Udit Narayan: No comments!
I have a question: Does all the countries have this show?? If yes, i'd like to see Pakistani Idol, Ugandan Idol..
Another point in consideration: Where the hell are hot chicks?? There ain't any in the show.. All underage girls... Gee! get some hot girls in the show, and then maybe i'll think of watchin it... And also, take Himmesh Reshammiya instead of Anoo Malik..
Although he is equally repulsive, atleast i can amuse myself with his Nasal Twangs.. Apparently, he's planning on a sequel for aap ka saroor.. Why god why???
And here's the verdict: Indian Idol show is lame. (period)...I don't really have to say anything more...
A show which belittles people for not being able to sing well.. is Lame..
I'd prefer a show which belittles people for what they are .. That'll be super cool!!!

KOffee With Karan: A Super Gay Show hosted by the friendly neighbourhood gay Karan Johar. The same bastard who owes me 180 bucks and damages(mental torture) after tricking me to watch that kink or KANK whateva..
Well, Koffee with Karan is another crappy show in the lines of Rendezvous(pronounced ren-dez-waoooss.. By some of my officemates) with Simi Garewal..
I never volunteered to watch this show.. One of my old roommate Godwin was crazy about this show (thank gawd! he's gone!).. Saw the episode in which he invited Rakhi Sawant!! It was pathetic.. First of all, I hate her.. She doesn't know english for nuts and to top that, talks like a roadside tramp.. It was horrible!!!
Verdict: Please don't watch the show for the love of god... Unless you are gay.. Naah! not even if you are gay cos you are not gonna have any chance of going for a 'K'offee date with him..

But, at the same time i'm happy that he's dedicating his time in interviewing these personalities and not making those lame- ass movies with undertones that are supposed to make us accept gays.. cos he is one.. He should come out of the closet and admit it.. no one is gonna judge.. Except maybe me!!! The cynical homophobic asshole that i am!! :)

2007-08-01T04:08:00.000-07:00

(Image courtesy of Mark Stivers)

Orkut - Pros and Cons : Part 1

2007-07-11T05:45:00.000-07:00

The Display Picture Reality... Edited a bit..

Being a programmer, i am going to write a whole orkutting life cycle:

1. You get an invite from some friend of yours... You sign up, upload a picture of yourself or maybe some movie actor's picture whom u don't even resemble slightest.. hah! u wish!!!

2. Then you fill out little details about yourself like your hobbies and stuff, sortta making an advertisement... The column for relationship status is what amuses me the most.. I mean most girls and guys who are goin around will usually leave it blank.. hehe! too scared to admit their committed status because that'll stop them from gettin nice comments on how beautiful they are and stuff from total strangers... I mean who won't like that..
I would totally like that.. hehe!!

3. You include only the best pictures of yourself in your album because the whole idea is to sell yourself to strangers..
Most guys will upload pictures of themselves with a car or the pictures when they went to some obscure club years earlier.. Just to show how rich or super-uber cool they are...

4. You include all the personal and professional details in there, hoping that some girl in your profile might just one day feel like talking to you on the phone in the middle of the night... And she'll know where to get your phone number from...
Orkut ofcourse.. But, well the reality is, none of this is ever gonna happen.. No one's gonna call you.. Maybe some telemarketing company might wanna get these details and use it.. whoa! i just thought of a great business strategy.. Genius..
I know i am... Thanks for saying that...

5. You join up communities and meet people with similar interests.. Cuz, there is a community for almost everything in the world.. OR maybe you can make one of your own.. Maybe say, "frustrated beyond reasons" or "stalkers annonymous".. but trust me, there'll be a community already made with that name.. So maybe tweak the name a bit.. For eg. look up IBM and you get a zillion communities related to IBM,IBM Bangalore,IBM india,IBM GSDC,IBM worldwide, IBM monet...... So u might as well make another one with same name.. doesnt matter... 5 points for being so original...[:)]

6. You search for everyone you've ever known... The ex-girlfriend, the abusive relative, the girl who slapped u once cuz u won't go out wit her [I just made that one up] etc etc. And guess what! they are all there!!! Read through her profile and check the scraps to find out who she's goin around with or what she did over the weekend.. And end up feelin sorry for yourself because while you were busy blowing away your money on booze and watching some stupid WWF game on the TV, on the weekend, ur ex was partyin and getting laid..

7. You start changing your profile to make sure everyone is happy with you.. or attracted to you.. And suppose you end up meeting someone who's your "FRIEND" on orkut, in some club or mall..
The conversation would go something like this:
Hey there!
Uhh.. Hello..
Remember me? so and so from orkut..
And u'll be like... uhh ya.. how are you?
[the same guy you refused to give your phone number because he doesn't like animals or maybe he put his smoking status as heavily or something.. You know, the guy doesn't suit ur general parameters of ppl you hang out with] or maybe it's just the looks... ya! thats the no. 1 reason!

And then the conversation hits off.. He congratulates you on your new laptop you bought or the college you got into.. And how does he know all these???
because, he's been going through your profile daily...He's seen your picture when you went partyin to some club and got all drunk nd stuff.. and guess what, he wants to be there with you the next time you go out...

8. Oh! ya some non creative people even steal some original stuffs that you'd write on your profile..(damn! i still can't get over that..) And try to be what they are not... If you are reading this, "pirate" .. go kill yourself.. because you can't be me.. never... u freakin loser!!!

Oops.. time up!!.. Well, actually orkut isn't that bad at all.. I shall discuss the advantages as well.. in the next blog.. Gotta get back to work now!!
ciao...

Today! Britney spears sent me an email...

2007-07-06T03:10:00.001-07:00

Today, i was off to a hell of a great mornin..After a long time, i signed on to my yahoo email account and lo and behold! i got myself an email from Britney Spears.. Now it's not everyday that ppl recieve mail from celebrities... But, hmmm... well, there it was! Britany Spears sendin me a hi... I was intrigued as to how this hottie came to know about me! So with trembling hands and lot of anticipation i clicked to open the link and here's the message:

"Hi sweety,

You wish to be the champion in sex?

Prices that no competition know:
Mega Action: 4 Viagra pills FOR FREE for EVERY ORDER!

Viagra - 1.79 $
Cialis - 2.69 $
Valium - 2.48 $
Xanax - 2$
Testosterone - 7.29$

And also more diet drugs with best prices!

+ Best quality drugs
+ Special internet prices
+ Buy without prescription
+ Fast worldwide shipping
+ Friendly customer support

See our site: StreetRiver .hk
Order now!"

Hey Well, as u know now, it wasn't the real Britney Spears... Some freaking poser sending me these clever spams.. I keep fallin for that... You know, u are just goin through ur mail and then suddenly u see a mail sayin "hi" from "britney spears"...

Well, i can understand she isn't doin very well anyways in music industry so u know, goin about sellin men's performance pill... Thats goin overboard...

This kindda thing used to happen back when i used to be 24/7 on yahoo messenger.. and there'll be these "LADIES" in the chat rooms with names like "horny_cathy" or "bianca4u".. they'll send u a hi and then tell u about how horny they are right now and how she's doin a nude show free of cost in some website.. U Just have to click on the link register with ur credit card and shit...
I never fell for these in those day because i din't own a credit card back then.. well, but ya.. i mean come on! i have yahoo msngr and also i can view webcam so why not here???
Well, it some stupid bot or computer program programmed to mislead us poor unsuspecting victims to thier website.. emmm.. now the idea of havin sex with a bot isn't not that uninviting but it sure is kinky... We'll get to that some other day...
So the point is that, spammers are gettin smarter or maybe ppl like me are gettin dumber.. though i think the former is true..

This message is brought to u as a public interest message..

Ps: Use internet for what its meant for "watching porn", "getting informations", downloading music.... er.. well mostly the number 1... infact, a lot ov no.1 (outside office ofcourse).....

My type of girl

2007-07-06T03:08:00.000-07:00

My type :
People usually fall in love when there is some sort of hormonal imbalance in the chemistry of their body.

Attraction towards opposite sex doesn't depend on caste, race(oh yeah!) or religion.. It solely depends on the level of individual desperation...
Most love affairs are purely due to certain circumstances.... You tend to develop an interest towards a person who fills up ur space of loneliness, dejection and other similar social needs.. This liking gets transformed into love with time, and also when you are left with no other option...
Ask yourself - whom will you choose if Penelope cruz or Pamela Anderson(for obvious reasons) walks across your desk and says she is interested in you - your girl friend or this hot babe?

Now let me come to the topic " My type of girl"... Now some people know the kind of girl they are lookin for... some really don't care..(We have both type of people at 4037).. Some just generalize the whole thing by using few words like "thin chick with good smile" or "intelligent girl with good looks"[something which is as rare as finding a hen with teeth... we all know the fact.. intelligent girls are not hot.. and vice versa..the whole blonde stereotype..] or "a girl with good assets and non hairy armpits"[now thats something we all will agree on!]...

However, after couple of months of dating girls from all walks of life, i discovered my "type" of girl.... Well, here it is.. My type of girl is [*drum rolls"].. "the one who is interested in me"...

If I learn that a woman is interested in me, thinks I'm cute, wants to go out with me, likes my personality or is slightly attracted to me, I'll be interested. I immediately like her by way of reciprocation. And I think this is the most effective way to date. It requires no work, no advance planning and most importantly, no rejection. It's the perfect dating model!

This model works because most men will go out with any girl.. it doesnt really matter.. or maybe its just me..

Disclaimer: The author does not condone to these views... This blog is written for pure fun of it and does not in any way reflects the view of the author.. If i call someone an idiot in my blogs, it doesnt mean that the author has firsthand knowledge that that person is actually an "idiot".. If the author calls someone a "fucker" it does not imply any knowledge that the person is actually a "fucker".. It is just meant in a figure of speech way.. Should that person by chance does happen to be one for pleasure or profit, it is purely coincidental...
However, the term "asshole" if used, to refer to a certain individual from 4037 is meant the way it is written...
Thank you

Weekend Parties

2007-07-06T03:04:00.000-07:00

Weekend Parties!!
Finally, the weekend is over.. and here we are again in office suffering from hallucination and hangovers from the weekend escapades.. A sense of Deja vu' (the feeling i've worked in here before)... Yesterday we met up with some of our old cronies after a long time and it was really fun... It was a welcome change from our normal weekend endevours.. Predictably i consumed enough alcohol and was retroactively blacked out for the rest of the night...

Weekends at 4037 has always been a great deal.. There was a time when booze used to flow freely and number of people in the house on weekend always exceeded the number of inhabitants in the house.. Every week we see some new faces and new conversation creeping up.. The whole incessent ramblings over never ending bottles of old monk and bacardis.. Drinking starts on friday night and ends in the wee hours of monday morning.. We took waking up the neighbour term quite literally with loud music and noises.. Even the Guy who delivers food from Hyper city or Grannies is not allowed to go back unless he have atleast a peg..

But those were the pre-Anish's-departure-in-search-of-greener-pastures-4037.... Now silence reign in 4037 on weekends.. The constables comin for thier weekend hafta, Searchin for booze in the middle of the night, the loud heavy metal/Lajjawati song are replaced with playing cards and watchin Tamil movies.. The saturdays are reduced to visiting Forum or Garuda Mall watchin some of the greatest injustice done by the nature to humankind-- Hot ladies with not so hot guys and versa vice.. though the former causes more anguish than the latter.. I am not very amused by pimple-ridden-college-bunking-sometimes-hot-teenagers[conjures some old memories] or those side shows in those malls.. Getting a movie ticket on a weekend is something which u have to plan months in advance... All the tickets sold out to the previously mentioned category of people..

So broke individuals like me have no means of entertainment on a weekend other than the usual phone calls (which incidently has been drawing a lotta criticism lately from the adjacent room).. I tried reviving the whole weekend party thing couple of times to no avail.. Whatever happened to good ol' male bonding over couple of cigarrettes and bottle of rum.. Hope our Ol' weekend parties are revived soon...

My Boxers

2007-07-06T03:03:00.000-07:00

My boxers
The other day, i has happily walkin around in in the house when i was rather uncermoniously snubbed by Mahesh about a very personal matter.. about my beloved Tommy Hilfiger Boxers... Now these boxers are pretty famous and known to almost anyone who visits 4037. Despite repeated pleas by Philip and others, i refuse to get rid of it.. Here i'd like to explain once and for all why i love it so much and the reasons i'm so attached to it..

My views on underwear were very utilitarian, until that fateful day when i was window shoppin at forum.. and there it was... The epitome of beauty.. Cupid, has thou pierced me with thy sweet searing arrow... The beautiful boxer made of fine fabric with American flag on it..

The american flag represents freedom and equality to all humankind, and since i'm all for freedom and equality, i'm tryin to send some positive messages across to all those ungrateful communists (they are a nuisance in kerala).. Also, I'm living my american dream right here in India.. You know, movin up in life with carefully placed bribes...

If u happen to wear it backwards,it doesn't matter unlike the other ones which could cause comfort issues due to lack of sensory astuteness.

Also, i'd like to emphasise on the fact that boxers should not be classified as underwears.. they are more of shorts..

My self professed undying love to the boxers should put all the doubts and queries to rest!! Now, don't think of me as a wierdo or something.. even Brian adams confesses his love for underwear in the song i wanna be...

Blind Date

2007-07-06T03:00:00.000-07:00

Blind date:
It happened somewhere in june 2006 when i heard about the rumors of how certain individuals in my house are able to get dates (and brag about it) with the help of those little things that vibrate.. Well, now don't let ur imagination run amok, i meant the mobiles(silent mode!)....
So i asked my friend Nitin to give me some hot girl's no. to start messaging. I was always skeptical of getting any replies but nevertheless decided on trying.. U know, the feeling, if he can do it why can't i? Nitin the guy that he is, gave me a no. of a girl who was a doctor..
Now, the idea of dating a doc might not sound very exciting but desperate times those were (never really understood the power that orkut held).. So one fine day, i just sent a simple hi (...well actually, it was the moment i got her no.)

Well, to cut the long story short, after a couple of weeks we finally decided to meet up at restaurant that I felt was a little upscale for my taste,KFC ... I got there first,stood outside and watched as a seemingly endless line of solo girls walking around in Brigade road, each more uninviting than the next. It was like Russian roulette,the next grizzly bear or stick insect might signal my possible death (yes... death) every single minute... well, it's not that I am shallow (as philip always accuses me of..) it’s just that these girls were plainly unattractive or to sound more humble, not my type (i'm yet to define my type).. ok! I’m well.. a lil shallow,whatever.

Finally she arrives and well i was speechless.. I should had known that hot girls don't talk to strangers..

Well, still being the gentleman that i am, i decided to give a treat nevertheless ... From there on, it was an endless barrage of lethal combination of nagging voice, self bragging about how many guys were after her and how she dislikes computers..
The whole situation was uncomfortable and emulated even greater primarily because of zero IQ (which wasn't quite evident on the phone).. This also makes me point out the fact that there are more than 6,000 cases of death in India due to negligence of doctors..
I threw in a few words like “Cool!”, “excellent" during my conversation in a futile attempt of ending the conversation..(you know all call centre lingos)
On blind dates or for that matter all first dates,the other person is always trying to find out what's wrong with you that would explain the reason for you being single, or whether you message lotta girls in this fashion.

girl: Do u message strangers just like that.

Me: huh?

girl: You seem normal, but there's obviously something wrong with you otherwise you wouldn't message someone whom you don't even know.

Me: so if if you just happen to message someone whose no. u got from someone, it means something's wrong with you?

Girl: Basically...yes.

Me: You know...you replied and used to message me back too.

Girl: Asshole! [In her mind of course]

Finally the ordeal ended with me promising myself to never ever go for a blind date..

Verdict: Would you ask her out again?
Friends for sure. But romance, not a chance.

.. and oh! by the way, i have a hot date coming up this weekend... Philip's promised a dab of the expensive perfume he's got, for the date..... Hot or not, i'm not sure.. I haven't seen or met her yet... But we've spoken twice on phone...

Blogs moved from Orkut

2007-07-06T02:58:00.001-07:00

I'm moving all my old blogs from orkut and myspace to this place... So finally i have an account here!!!
nice eh!
:)

My roommates:

2007-07-06T02:52:00.000-07:00

My roommates:

This is my first attempt at writing a blog due to popular demand. But since i couldn't think of a suitable topic, i decided on writing on an obvious topic - My roommates.

[No names are mentioned just to create an air of mystery and to protect identities]

I have four roommates staying with me right now (the numbers keep changing monthly).

Roommate #1: This dude works in a multinational in a supposedly high position. Perceives himself to be a chic magnet and attracts girls like flies to shit (supposedly). When i first came to stay in this house back in November 2005, I thought to myself " This is my passport to the fairer sex". However as luck would have
it the sand castle of hopes that i built soon collapsed when the truth dawned upon me.

Always seem to agree with Roommate #2 cuz he think agreeing with the #2 will make him sound more sophisticated and smart than he really is..

Roommate #2: My favorite. The no nonsense kindda guy. Percieved to be highly intelligent and emphatically stubborn. Winning an argument with him is as daunting task as it was for one of my previous roommate to get laid [*for the uninitiated, the dude had to go all the way to oman or kuwait or something]. Considers himself to be god like the persian king in 300 who had a ring on every possible orifice [as a matter of fact, he does have an earring.. also plannin to get a tatoo done from a long time now.. hmm...hey was it him in the movie...*confused]

Roommate #3: His life can be summed up in a just 4 lines:
Go to office
Order food from hypercity
Watch cricket
Go to sleep [repeat]
Oh! and ya, collecting house rent from everyone at the end of the month.. quite a daunting task, i assure you!

Roommate #4: No idea what he does. He's been around for i guess a month or so. Never really got acquainted with him that well. Pretty much reserved. Could be an Al-quieda operative or a possible fugitive.
Approach with caution.
Will keep u informed as an when i get more information, which i'm sure is gonna take a long long time at this rate...