Crying shame

With price of Onions skyrocketing, here are a few headlines you missed:

1. Law minister Ram Jethmalani has gone on record that giving pyaaj to officials during Christmas and new year time amounts to bribe.

2. Daughter of industrialist Pyaarelal Pyaajwala was dressed in five Kg of Onions on her marriage. All the people were at the wedding were at awe. However, the festivities were marred by IT sleuths raiding his house.

3. Freshmint mouth freshners have come up with a new flavour with a tagline: "Stinking Rich".

3. Demanding onions in curry to wife amounts to dowry demand.

4. Group of maarvaadis have started the first jewellery shop exclusively for onion shoppers. One sack of onions was seen with armed bodyguard.

5. Now since tomatoes are also getting expensive, most fast food restaurants in city have switched from ketchup to coconut chutney.

I know what you are thinking.. Yes! it is a 'crying' shame that I have nothing to write about.

End notes

"Arrgh"- Cried out Luke Ponappa as the angels were busy drilling hole on his back. "It'll pain a little, but don't forget to take your antibiotics in time"- Said the Wing specialist. I started reconsidering whether the whole idea of heaven was such a good idea. "Praise the Lord" The booming noise woke me up from the little slumber.

You see I joined this new Church called "Church of Final Awakening". Our leader Reverend David Pushparaj has told us the apocalypse has finally arrived. "The Christ's second coming is not very far and it was on September 1st 2010.The rapture will happen somewhere near bangalore and I know the precise location" He had announced. The reason was the calculation of christ's birthday was off by around 10 years. So it is just about anytime now. So,on the appointed day, I took leave from office (past predictions by Jehovah witnesses and others have proved to be wrong.- not that I doubt our great leader). We went to nandi hills and waited for rapture. It was really getting cold. For past 3 hours, he was talking in Tongues. I'm not really well versed in the angel's language so, I had difficulty understanding him. "things are not much different from syrian orthodox church"- I thought to myself. Atleast, we talk in angel's language and not syrian which is sooo earthly..
Reverent checked his watch. It was 11:45. Well, about time. There was a little hustle in the crowd. Most people were either sleeping or din't even care whether the good lord is arriving in a space ship or busy sleeping at such Ungodly hour. I for most part was trying to convince the woman next to me to make out atleast a lil bit since the world is almost at its end. She was ignoring me for sometime so I decided to catch a little sleep. On my right side, Ronnie Ramaswamy was busy trying to solve the rubik's cube under the torch light. How thoughtful! I thought to myself.

Praise the lord! said the reverend now with a louder pitch. Some of the church members woke up half groggy. I was shivering due to combination of the thought of divine purpose and impending pneumonia( I forgot to bring my only jacket while moving from delhi). He started reading passages out of the holy book. After 2 passages, he asked for his robe to be brought out. Paul Rajkumar went to the van and brought out his robe. "What in the good lord's name is this? " He said pointing towards a large stain mark on the robe. "The wine must have leaked". "WINE must have LEAKED??? WE are at the END of the WORLD as we know it and you want me to welcome our good lord with soiled clothes?" Paul was in tears already imagining burning in the seventh circle of hell. It was 6:00 in the morning and sun started rising up in the east. Reverend declared that because we were not ready for welcoming our lord, we are not fit for the arrival of rapture and it'll take another 10 years for our lord to come back. If it was not for brother Paul's foolish deed which was definitely the work of devil, we would have been flapping around in heaven. Well, it's another 10 years of earthly existence. Damn..

How to take revenge...

A chick doesn't accept your friend invite on facebook-

Preliminary : You have her first and last name, city, state,right?
Now,
1. Find out where she lives, works etc.

2. Buy a really scary mask (*Kindda like the Jason Vorhees one)

3. Follow her, lurking in the shadow wearing the mask.

4.Go to her work, and ask her out.

5. When you take her out be the best date ever, flowers, open doors etc.

6.Wait for her in the parking lot one night after she leaves work. Wear the mask, this time, wear an over coat, underneath have a machete on your waist. Make sure she sees you wearing the mask, show her the machete nonchalantly. Leave.

7. Call her the next day and pick her up for a date, remember she is not going to know its you stalking her. In the back seat of your car leave the mask exposed. On the way home from dinner ask her to get your CD case from the back seat of your car as you two drive down a dark road. Watch the expression on her face as discovers the mask and she shits her pants.

Phoren Phantashie

Whenever any of my relatives are coming from abroad, they ask about what they should get. Well, although we get almost everything here in India (a little costlier) the whole idea of getting an item from abroad is exciting in itself and moreover it's free!! so well why not."Foriegn is better" was the mantra that has been imbibed by us since our childhood. When we were kids, every relative who comes from Pershiyah meant lots of Yardley Talc, Nivea cream and Brut perfume. These items were kept in parents room and the only time we get to wear it was on Sunday morning.The trend is still the same. Go to any Syrian Orthodox church, you'll get a whiff of Brut from some elderly person standing behind you with kids in Pershiyah.

Well, this trend changed to gadgets over the years. Since, I have inherited the "Thomas Gadget Gene", I have become the quintessential gadget whore. I have a fetish for gadgets.. Whenever someone ask what I need from abroad I get totally confused on what to ask. So I decided to put up list of things for relatives and friends abroad.
Here are the list of items I need when you come from abroad. Choose any or all of the below.

A nasal Hair Trimmer: I don't think you get it here in India. And even if you do, I wouldn't go ask for it. We see advertisements of how to be a man and ask for condoms but Nasal hair trimmers.. Nopes.. no way.

A vibrating toothbrush: That's like a cool thing. I don't know how it's gonna keep my teeth clean but well I like things which vibrate. And yep! prefered brand is Oral-B because I kindda like to say I love Oral! B. Consider a situation where I go to a lady pharmacist and ask " How much for an Oral! B.. Nyiiicee.

A harmonica: Yes we do get harmonica here but well, I want an electronic harmonica which I never found it in here.. Guitar has kinddda lost it's charm thanks to every Tom, Dick and Harry playing it.. Those chicks in the opposite house didn't seem to give a damn about guitar the last time I played. They complained about loud music to the guards..
Ever wondered, why do people call it "Mouth Organ"?? I kinddda find it funny.. Probably it's just me.. apparently ya. hehe mouth organ.

I'll be adding more to the list as and when I fancy anything new. So keep watchin this space.

The day the dog spoke!

I was sitting at home doing what I love doing the most when parents are not around- Watchin Vikki Vetta of "Naughty America" fame. Suddenly I heard a hoarse voice..

"Master!" "Master!!" I looked around and saw no one. I shrugged and again got busy with the ongoing show. "Master! Master!!" said the voice again. It was then I realized that it was my 2 year old dog "Spot". "Did u just talk?" I asked. "Yep! it's me. I don't know but suddenly I can talk from this morning". "Whoa! that's great! It's a miracle.. So.. well how's life?". "It's very good. Truly it's a dog's life!! I enjoy it here". "That's nice! well, I need to get back to what I am watching.. so ya chitchat l8rs".. "But I have so much to talk to you master" Spot replied.
I realised that now that the dog can speak, it's better to switch off the laptop lest it decides to tell my parents about it.
"So tell me what do u wanna talk about?" I asked nonchalantly
"Actually I was wondering if you could serve me beef 4 days a week instead of 2, it would be great!"
"Are you kidding me! it's recession time.. Be happy that we atleast serve you beef two days a week!!"

"Well master! I am entitled to it ain't I?? Please think about it."
"Hmmm.. let me see what I can do.. I will think about it" I replied in a little angry tone.
"Also, I don't like rice that much. Could you buy 'Pedigree' in bulk? I kindda like it. Moreover, you'll get a discount on buying in bulk.. "
"Ahha! so now you telling me that you can calculate too!!"
"well, that's basic math isn't it?.. master?"
"Would you like anything else? Perhaps a day off or foriegn trip??" I asked in a very sarcastic tone.
"Naah! what would I do going for a foriegn trip. But ya, if you could give me a day off, I can go out on a date with 'Shadow'."
"who's that now?"
"Master! that's the cute roadasian bitch which chases the car whenever I am inside!! Haven't you noticed? Well, you are too busy talking on phone while driving.."
"Now a dog is gonna teach me traffic rules! I thought to myself but didn't say anything.
Spot continued- "Moreover! it's so hot these days, can I like move into the house??"
"Dude! you are a dog!! Firstly you aren't supposed to talk and now that you can talk, stop making demands!"
"Master it's a democratic country! I am entitled to all the labour laws of the land as anyone else"
"You Son of a Bitch!!"
"Master! c'mon now don't get angry.. I cost you much cheaper than a security guard!! Moreover! these are legit requests master!"
"And yep! one last thing! can I use the toilet instead of going out since I am kindda shy taking dump in front of so many people" - That was the last straw.

The shot echoed through the whole neighbourhood.
THE END

Moral of the story:
1.Dogs aren't supposed to talk.
2. Replace dog with employee and me with the organisation.

Valentine blues

(Picture courtesy: Google search)

It's been a month and still people ask me what I did for valentine.. Huh! well where were you?? Why was it that you were not near the phone when I called you?

With heavy heart I finally decided to write about Valentine's day: The day for "celebrating love".. A stressful day for everyone. Single guys pretending to have a date, when the reality is that they're gonna be drinking at home with some other dude and bitching about their ex.

"Committed" guys deciding how to take all their girlfriends out without getting caught (Yes, I'm at work thing used to work but not anymore!!!). Pramod Mutalik and his moral brigade busy trying out their latest pink undergarments.
Broke guys breaking-up before valentines to avoid giving gifts and then making up after two days.. Well, provided she din't find someone on Valentines night party
(.. read random stranger dude)

I was determined to not let this valentines go without date. You see, I had this certain lady in mind. But, alas, she was busy (read: uninterested) and gave me alternatives(..talk about audacity). Not a guy to give up so easily, I tried another number.. Well, the phone rang for some time and I got the return call only the next day. Everyone seemed busy. Even the usual "Let's-meet-for-lunch-'Insert expensive restaurant'-lady" was busy out shopping with her friends ("Girls"- She claimed).

So consecutive second valentine's day without a date had me thinking.. Am I like really getting old or something? has the attraction quotient reduced? I thought about the past years and made a chart and although the awesomeness level has increased over the years, the women (romantically involved) has decreased to an alarming rate. I thought about the past relationship and suddenly after the whole five minutes of pondering, I decided it's better not to think about these things. It's better to leave the topic lest I might wanna find out something about myself I shouldn't be knowing at the first place. well, I played "Call Of Duty 4" online for 6 hrs and took out the frustration on the 12-13 yr olds since the older ones are busy dating. .. alas.

Valentines day for me will always be the day to expect expensive gifts from the current BF/GF.. Mostly Hallmark or Archies card along with some "teddy" bear (.. Why are all the stuffed toy bears named teddy??) and yes choco-lay-te(..talk about aphrodisiac). You "prepare" for the date by wearing your favorite clothes and wait for her with the rose you bought paying much more than regular days. Once, she arrives you need to compliment on the strange colours she's wearing on the nails (yes, you are expected to notice that too..).

So after you've spent the hard earned or borrowed money to buy these things, a few days later it's all forgotten. After which it is the usual "what have you done for me" routine. By now you are either too broke after giving the money back to the lenders or you plainly don't give a damn anymore.

Well, after college, the gifts become more and more expensive till once day it becomes a gold ring studded with diamond. Rest is well left unsaid.


Ps: Just like last year I spent the evening with my equally valentine-less friends at Chandni Chowk and complaining about the expensive food.

New York is closer than you think!! :)